


touch me as if you mean it

by brainoverdriving (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Jongin, M/M, Mentioned Voyeurism, Public Sex, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Top Sehun, idk what else to tag, kinda paid sex, low key prostitution, mentioned drug use, not exactly a happy ending either, not exactly suicidal thoughts but close to it, they’re not in relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 07:29:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14303805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/brainoverdriving
Summary: Sehun was broken and only Jongin could fix him, yet none of them knew what it meant, so none of them did the right move despite everything.





	touch me as if you mean it

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: All the mistakes inside are mine, I’m sorry for them. Whoever gives this a try, thank you!

“A private session, seriously?” Jongin was leaning on the door, arms crossed under his chest. Sehun was sitting on one of the leather armchairs, big and soft and actually comfortable. “You could at least change your outfit, you know, or you wanted to be a high key whore right now?”  
  


Jongin was angry, he always was, when Sehun called him like this. They were supposed to be working, they had to fight for the customers and their money, to make show in front of them, showing the good bodies they had, the perfect outfits, the make-up, to sell their bodies and to dance for the audience and to gain a name and a good amount of clients that would return. Sehun was out there too, for a few hours but he couldn’t breathe, he had the feeling that all the eyes were on him, judging him, waiting for him to step wrongly on the high heels he was wearing so that everyone could point at him and laugh at his misery. Sehun couldn’t stay out there; he couldn’t hold back the anger that was bubbling inside his chest. He couldn’t help but blink a few times because the tears were getting heavier inside his eyes.  


So Sehun ran. He ran because he knew he’d do something that would lead to many regrets and maybe to losing his job. No matter how much Sehun hated being a stripper and sometimes a paid prostitute because the money was good and he craved the sex, the touches, the kissing, the bites and the bruises after that, Sehun couldn’t leave. Not now when he was almost done with his education, when he almost managed to find a place and a job in a different city, far from his current hell but close enough to come back and meet the people that he called friends. Sehun still needed the money but he also needed to feel loved.  


When he left the dancing floor, he had to stand up because he was on the ground, legs spread, semi-hardness evident between his legs, many bills inside his boots, hands on his hips, Sehun smiled and shook his hips one last time. He heard the whistles and the calls after him but once he was behind the light, inside the darkness, he was getting rid of the leather hat but kept checking his phone, he saw nothing there. A cold wave of hatred towards his own self-grew then, his hands were shaking, his sight was blurry and his teeth were biting his lower lip with enough strength to break the skin and Sehun could feel the light iron taste on his tongue.  


It was his birthday, it was the only day where his parents could use as an excuse and they could pass through their blinded hatred towards him and his choices and his life and his dreams and simply pick up the phones they had and call him or text him or anything. A simple happy birthday, nothing more, only to show him that they still thought of him, still loved him, still knew he existed. But Sehun got nothing. His brother hadn’t sent him a message or a call but one week before that Sehun got an empty card with a cake on it from him. None of Sehun’s high school friends called him or texted him. It was as if Oh Sehun didn’t exist. No one from the university knew his birthday, no one was close enough to him to get curious about it so Sehun didn’t expect anything from them.  


It didn’t change the fact how angry he was, the disappointment was like a knife passing through his soul and Sehun’s fingers were itching, aching, craving to hurt something (because Sehun was scared of hurting himself, killing himself, he was a coward that loved his life too much), his knuckles then touched the wall, lightly, his fist as tight as it could be was slightly touching the wall, the white dirty wall and Sehun looked at it, he looked at his own hand too. His heart was beating like it was going to stop any moment, his chest was moving because Sehun couldn’t get enough air inside his lungs and his sight was getting less blurry but his eyes were getting dry to the point of pain and Sehun waited. He knew it would pass, it was passing every time, but the emptiness stayed and he wanted it full.  


The sex, the drugs, the pills, these were the things which could make him feel less like a wreck and more like a broken toy put together. But despite everything, Sehun was a good boy. He didn’t take drugs, pills, he didn’t smoke weed. He was only having sex and sex he wanted now. Sehun ruffled his hair, checked himself in the mirror and tried to get one of the managers of the club, the ones that were thirsty for him. Manipulation wasn’t something Sehun was keen on using but at times like this – grabby hands, needy mouth, and some dirty words were doing wonders especially if he was planning to go against some of the rules. Never fuck a stripper inside the bar and never request private sessions with fellow strippers: this exactly was what Sehun wanted and was planning to do. Sometimes Sehun was selfish and sometimes no one could resist him.  


Sehun had to promise a free blowjob and a fuck to get the private room with too many windows on the side. It wasn’t as private as it was told because anyone who wished could watch and sometimes it was unnerving but the amount of money was one of the things that made the heart content so it wasn’t so bad. Not when Sehun wanted to be seen because he wanted to prove something and although he wasn’t sure what it was exactly, he knew he had to do it.  


Sehun walked in, the manager had given him the key, smashed his lips against Sehun’s, while grabbing his ass and mentioning how at some point both of them would lose their jobs but Sehun knew that they wouldn’t. Not when both were bringing enough money for everyone, they were safe for now. Sehun sat on the armchair, there were a coach and a pole a little bit further from him but Sehun didn’t want a show, not for now. He had seen the lube and the condoms on the side – apparently someone had fun or was going to have fun at some point. Sehun moved down so that he could put his head on the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He hated feeling so down, so disgusting with himself and angry, so angry that hurting someone would feel nice.  


While he was waiting he wondered how angry Jongin would be. They weren’t friends, they weren’t lovers, they fucked because Sehun was giving money and Jongin was prideful enough to show how much better he was than Sehun in sex, in dancing, in moving his hips, in taking clients, in everything, because Jongin was the star before Sehun joined them and Jongin was still shining even if Sehun’s name was moaned just as much. And Jongin was the only one who was ready to deal with Sehun’s shitty behavior at times.  


Jongin was furious and sweaty, he smelled like sex and weed and alcohol and money but Sehun didn’t care, he only looked and wondered if he was also as beautiful as Jongin was right now. Jongin was too gorgeous and although Jongin was one of the best strippers and some rumors were saying that he was the co-owner of the club, Jongin belonged for bigger lights, better eyes, for wiser money, but Sehun had never said anything. Not only he didn’t have the right but he was also scared that he’d push Jongin away and he needed Jongin.  


Jongin had to meet Sehun’s eyes once to know what he wanted and although the anger was there, his questions stayed unanswered and sometimes Jongin wished to be able to walk away and forget that he was called, that Sehun stayed mute and unmoving with cold blank eyes and tight fists on his sides, Jongin never left, not even once, he simply took off his heels, took off the short leather pants he was wearing and simply walked towards Sehun.  


Sehun’s eyes were looking, they were looking at Jongin’s lips, slightly redder than usual because of the lipstick Jongin put on, they moved towards Jongin’s eyes, darker, he had more make-up today – Sehun noticed, down to the jaw, the one Sehun loved to bite, the throat Sehun’s fingers were itching to grab, the collarbones that Sehun was going to kiss, the chest that could be seen under the seen-through shirt Jongin was wearing, the abs that Sehun wanted to scratch, the hips that were going to straddle him soon, the legs that Sehun wished to worship but he was too anxious to do it in reality.  


“They can see us, are you sure about this?” Jongin asked calmly now, he didn’t expect an answer, so he moved to take the lube and two condoms – one for him and one for Sehun. He couldn’t make a mess and although they were both sure that they were clean; it didn’t change the fact that they didn’t trust each other. Sehun looked at his hands, doing nothing.  


“What do you want, sir?” Jongin asked, his fingers were wet from the lube, Jongin was happy that he was wearing a thong now instead of nothing else and Sehun seemed to share the same thoughts because his eyes were on his lower body but then they moved towards the windows, he could see the clients, for now no one had noticed them but neither of them was sure for how long. In reality, Sehun was a private person, trying to keep all his affairs hidden and for himself but now he was reckless and although it was bringing him joy, it wasn’t strong enough to dull the anxiety.  


“Just….” Sehun’s tongue felt so heavy in his mouth as if he was going to say a secret he had promised with his life to never say. It was going to sound too intimate and neither of them was doing intimate, at least not with each other. When Sehun met Jongin’s eyes, licking his lips and feeling scared of the words he was going to say, Jongin spread his legs, leaned down towards him – one hand on Sehun’s shoulder to keep his balance and the other moving towards himself, his backside, his entrance, Sehun couldn’t watch so he closed his eyes.  


“Come on, Sehuna, tell me.” Jongin knew that without pushing Sehun a little bit, he’d get nothing and although the thrill in figuring out what Sehun wanted was as strong as his need to cup Sehun’s face and scream at him to stop being so reckless, Jongin wanted to hear him. He knew something was wrong, they barely spoke outside of work (their stages together) and the fucking (which was happening too often to be called simply casual) but Jongin had noticed how he kept his eyes on Sehun and he noticed when something wasn’t right.  


“Please, just touch me as if you mean it, as if you love me, as if I mean something to you….god, Jongin, this is so…” Sehun was crying Jongin realized and he froze, he had two fingers inside himself, two wet and cold fingers up in his ass and Sehun was crying, forehead on Jongin’s shoulder, hands on his sides, Jongin hadn’t realized that Sehun had unclenched his fists and was now holding Jongin while crying and asking to be loved. This wasn’t going to be a fast fuck, Jongin thought, and from all the places they got the most revealing room for it.  


Jongin needed a moment to comprehend what was going on. He was tense over Sehun and the latter pulled Jongin closer (gently but enough for Jongin to grab Sehun’s shoulder stronger because he almost lost his balance). It wasn’t a foreign thought for Jongin to pursue some kind of relationship with Sehun, on a more intimate level and in fact to get to know each other, but it was very rare though that Jongin shrugged away because he didn’t need this. Jongin had always been sure that this wasn’t something that Sehun would wish too.  


However, today wasn’t one of the days where they could fuck each other fast and hard and forget about it. Because as much as Jongin liked Sehun inside him and hearing his moans and begs for Jongin to go faster on him, Jongin liked the attention and his job and his life and although it wasn’t the perfect fairy tale that everyone wished for him, he was in his own skin and he didn’t want to let go of it. So when Sehun was crying now and shaking and pulling Jongin closer towards him because he was breaking, Jongin was scared of losing everything he had gained.  


It was awful. It was disgusting and so not Jongin when he wished to run away and leave Sehun for some of the clients outside. It was inhuman how much Jongin wished to get away, to never come back, to forget how much he loved Sehun’s hands on him and how much of a stress relief it was to fuck Sehun in all the dirty corners because Sehun was reckless but he was still shy and although he was giving the money to Jongin because in a way Sehun was still only business, Sehun had always wished something more, something hidden in the shadows but never shown to the world and Jongin couldn’t give this to him. Not yet at least, not until Jongin didn’t get enough of his own life at his own pace.  


Jongin closed his eyes, took a deep breath and wondered how he should proceed from now on. He knew that pushing Sehun away right now wouldn’t be a good decision. Sehun seemed…breakable for the first time through the four years Jongin knew him and he didn’t have the heart to push him away. Taking another minute, Jongin leaned more on Sehun, pushing a third finger inside and groaning quietly. If he was doing this, he would do it the right way. Hurting himself because he wished to please Sehun right now wouldn’t be pleasing, especially now when he noticed a few men having their eyes on them.  


Sehun was still shaking, but not so openly crying, which Jongin considered a win. Turning around to look where the best place for what was going to happen would be, Jongin met a few eyes through the windows and smirked, arching his back beautifully and slowly taking his fingers out. He didn’t miss the hungry looks on him but he also felt sick because he didn’t want the same looks on Sehun.  


“Sehun, babe, you should move on the couch under the windows,” Jongin said and slowly pushed his body away from Sehun’s. Sehun’s nails scratched him through the thin shirt he was wearing but to make his point, Jongin walked towards the pole and further to dim the lights inside the room. Whoever wished to see, they could easily see only him through the window, riding Sehun’s dick like the slut he was and he didn’t mind, as long as no one saw Sehun like this.  


Sehun let out a confused whine but he did move once Jongin moved too and walked towards the couch, he was wiping his eyes from the tears when he noticed the people looking at them and he froze. He knew it could happen but he honestly wished that they could be lucky without an audience. Still, it was his job, so Sehun winked at a few, and plopped down on the couch, he didn’t want this. And not to mention the humiliation he felt, he had shown weakness in front of Jongin and he had asked for something that only couples could share. They weren’t one and they’d probably never be.  


Once the lights were down, Sehun could imagine the confused looks and questions from the men outside that wanted to see the show but Jongin knew what he was doing or Sehun hoped he did because if someone complained to one of the managers currently walking around the club, both he and Jongin would get in trouble.  


“Lean down and move your legs a little bit.” Sehun heard Jongin before he could notice how close he was to him. Sehun’s head snapped up and he was ready to ask what Jongin was planning on doing when Jongin straddled him and put his hands in his hair. “I’ll give you what you want.”  


“You don’t have to.” Now wasn’t the time for Sehun to be shy but he could still feel how close he was to crying again and although he was holding Jongin for dear life again, his hands were on Jongin’s hips the moment he felt the weight over his own legs and his hold on Jongin was tight – not enough to leave a bruise but enough to be felt.  


“I know but isn’t it your birthday today?” Sehun’s mouth was opened but no word came out. “I was the one who approved your application for the club and checked the tests you did, I saw it there,” Jongin explained and moved down to kiss Sehun, slowly, only lips on lips. “Trust me on this.”  


The problem was that Sehun didn’t want to trust him, he couldn’t trust him. There were too many risks and too many chances of Sehun to get broken and thrown away but he still closed his eyes, let Jongin slowly work on him. It would be slow, he gathered, it would be lovely probably but Jongin was going to give the viewers a show and Sehun wished to skip all of this, so he closed his eyes. He was going to feel only. He was going to pretend that they were on a bed, in a bedroom, together and in love.  


Jongin’s kisses, the ones which were gentle and slow, were sweet. Lovely and warm, so warm that Sehun’s felt his chest feel warm too and he let out a small pathetic whine when Jongin moved away from him because Sehun was still clothed and Jongin wanted to make him hard. Jongin’s hands were gentle too, warm and running over everything they could catch, Sehun’s shoulders, his lips on Sehun’s neck, his throat, his collarbones and Jongin was whispering small sweet praises of how beautiful Sehun was, of how good he was, how beautiful his legs looked on the heels, how beautiful his ass looked in the skirt he was wearing yesterday, on how sweet Sehun’s mouth was because he was never drinking at work but he was ending all the juices for a few hours.  


Sehun didn’t open his eyes but he let out his voice, moaning and arching his back, grabbing Jongin and pulling closer or further away, moving his hips up because his own shorts were opened and he was wearing nothing under so Jongin could grab him and stroke him and it was all skin on skin and Jongin’s hand was dry, suddenly the lube was gone but Sehun liked it, he loved it because he was distracted by Jongin’s mouth. Sucking his nipples through the shirt, biting his neck and leaving a mark even when both knew they shouldn’t, but this never stopped them.  


When Jongin rolled the condom on Sehun, he squeezed his base enough to make Sehun scream because it hurt, it hurt so much but it also made Sehun feel warm all over and when Jongin slowly moved down on him, the heat engulfing him, Sehun cursed and grabbed Jongin’s head and pulled him down for a kiss, his eyes were open, he wanted to see this, if Jongin was going to make a show for the men outside, at least now he was going to give a show to Sehun.  


“Mine,” Jongin whispered against Sehun’s lips when he had sat down, Sehun was deep inside him, filling him just like Jongin loved. “Do you know how fucking beautiful you are?” Sehun moaned because Jongin squeezed him inside and also leaned down to suck his throat as if he was starving and Sehun’s heart was beating like crazy. “I want to renew the marks I left on your back so that everyone knows you’re mine and only mine.” _Because I really want you to belong to me and yet I’m scared of making you mine_ is what Jongin wished to say but he gulped down the words and took Sehun’s lips instead.  


They kissed and Sehun didn’t dare to move his hips. Jongin was simply sitting down on him and although it was feeling great, Sehun wanted some kind of a friction and he was gently rubbing his thumbs on Jongin’s hips in hopes that he could get the message. Jongin broke the kiss only to move up on Sehun and hold Sehun’s head so that it was on his chest. For some reason Jongin felt possessive then, he saw how many more were looking at them, at him right now and he didn’t want to share this with anyone but he also knew there was no other option.  


Jongin moved his hips up and down, slowly, carefully but it made him feel everything, and he moved his head back, unintentionally letting a moan out and then he praised Sehun for how good he was feeling but Jongin was also aware that the ones were closer to the windows could hear him too. The manager had turned on the small microphones from inside the room so that everything could be heard outside if you were close enough.  


Jongin wasn’t sure if Sehun knew or he was gone into his own pleasure or delusion but after the third thrust and loud moan from Jongin, Sehun moved his head, wrapped his arms around Jongin’s waist and moved his hips as if he was ready to wreck Jongin. This much was for their slow and gentle lovemaking, Jongin thought but he liked it. No, he loved it because when he looked down, he met Sehun’s eyes, the deep burning eyes with so many emotions inside that Jongin was feeling weak and not brave enough to ask, so instead he kept on praising and touching Sehun, just like he was going to touch his lover with gentle but firm touches.  


When they were having sex, they avoided looking at each other’s eyes for reasons. Sehun was worried that he’d fall deeper and he knew he shouldn’t. Jongin was worried that he’d admit to himself that Sehun meant a lot more to him that he wished to admit. However, now they were staring at each other, touching and although their pace was fast it still felt gentle and they felt closer than before.  


There was something else. Jongin hated to be manhandled, he never allowed anyone to do it, but when Sehun stood up, still holding Jongin and then flipped them around so that Jongin’s knees were on the couch and his hands on the window, back arched, legs spread and chest on the back of the couch, Jongin knew that he had to move, to push Sehun away but he did none of that because he loved it. Sehun had leaned on him, still moving his hips in precise short but hard thrusts inside him, his chest was on Jongin’s back and Sehun’s mouth on his neck, sucking and kissing and biting and Jongin was moaning loudly and lewdly.  


“More…” he whispered and Sehun grunted a reply, he felt his cheeks being spread and Jongin groaned when he felt the tips on Sehun’s thumbs touching his rim, slowly pushing inside letting him feel a little burn from the stretch but not enough to hurt him, not enough to put his fingers inside. It was just stimulation, to show that he could do it, that he might want to do and in a way, Jongin felt how much he wanted Sehun to be able to fill him in every possible way.  


However just like everything this was supposed to end too. Even if Sehun wished to keep going, to be inside Jongin, to touch him, to love him, to be closer to him, he also knew that if he kept going like this he was going to slip and neither of them needed this. Sehun was feeling better, content, slightly relieved that someone knew, that someone was with him, that this, someone, was Jongin and not someone else but it also brought his heart to beating faster, for his mind to slip in thoughts of how they could be together as a couple, holding hands, sharing lunches, eating ice cream, going on dates, living together and this wasn’t something Sehun needed, he wanted to but it wasn’t needed. Not now when he was so close to taking the life in his own hands.  


Unfortunately for him though, his mouth had no filter, because when he was moving, closer to the edge, Jongin’s back was painfully arched but so beautiful and also Jongin was urging him to keep moving because he was so close and Sehun was so good, Sehun leaned down and started to kiss Jongin’s back – just where his spine was arched and then the words left his mouth.  


“God…fuck, Jongin…I love you so much…” he said in between his pants and thrusts. Jongin’s reaction was tensing and then finishing in the condom he had on, his arms were weak and he fell on the couch, Sehun was a few seconds behind him. He had barely realized what he said but he couldn’t even think of it now, not when Jongin embraced him the moment Sehun pulled out of him and was trembling.  


They were hidden from the prying eyes, both lying down on the couch, Sehun embraced in a way that he couldn’t help but think of home, the home he didn’t have right now and then everything just broke down inside him. He cried because he felt happy, he cried because everything hurt, he cried because even if he was hurt and broken and happy, he wasn’t alone.  


“Happy birthday, love,” Jongin whispered in his hair and kissed his head, his forehead, his nose and pulled his chin up to kiss his lips. Sehun sniffed but kissed back eagerly. He was willing to take as much as Jongin wished to give. Because the warmth he was feeling now, it could be gone as fast as Jongin’s smiles were gone when he met Sehun’s eyes while he was performing.  


“Thank you…” Sehun whispered and closed his eyes. He had to calm down and he was scared to see Jongin’s face. What if whatever he was going to see would kill him inside because everything they felt now and had done was simply fake affection and desire? Sehun wouldn’t be able to move on.  


However, just like he was lying over Jongin, Sehun fell asleep, content and happy, Jongin was left with his own thoughts and his own feelings. It was his turn to cry now, quietly, he tried to not shake too much so that Sehun wouldn’t wake up. Jongin had a hand over his eyes, biting his lower lip and caressing Sehun’s hair gently and tugging a little when he noticed Sehun was whining something in his dreams.  


“I love you too, you idiot,” Jongin whispered so quietly that he barely heard himself and he was sure Sehun heard nothing.  


Five months later, Sehun was gone just as he had come in the club looking for a job and Jongin let him go. He let him go because Sehun was finally happy, he had called Jongin speaking to him excitedly that he had found a job as a lawyer, he had found a small one bedroom flat to live it, he explained how he was going to be training before he gets his own cases and how happy he was with the sight from his windows and Jongin couldn’t tell him no, come back here, be mine because I want to be yours. Instead, Jongin embraced Sehun, patted his back, kissed his forehead when Sehun came for the last time five months ago and wished him all the best in life.  


Every year after that Sehun received a card with a long message inside from Jongin for his birthday and every time year Sehun sent a cake to Jongin for his own. They had never met again, they had never touched or kissed but they had still remembered each other. Because one-time Jongin could fix Sehun and one time he could make him his but instead he let him go. And one-time Sehun could let the darkness engulf them and show his true weakness in front of Jongin and ask for more, beg for more and he didn’t because he knew it was going to be wrong.  


So they both moved on, both of them having each other lingering at the back of their minds but both being content with whatever they had and where they were. Because Jongin had never wished the light to be on him and he liked the darkness of the club he owned and the pleasure he gained. Because Sehun was always aiming for the big and the bright and the better and after working hard for it while being inside the darkness, he was one of the stars that Jongin could hear through the news and the newspapers.  


It was because they were never meant for each other.


End file.
